Joke of the Week
6/12 Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. Who would name you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same guy that named the Rottweiler Jesus.”
3/13 A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The idiot says, “Okay.” The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?” The idiot hands over $5.
1/30 Ferdinand limped into the pigeon’s club meeting, missing a few wing feathers and with his tail feathers poking in every possible direction. He was dazed and not entirely sure of his surroundings. “You look awful” the other pigeons said, not too encouragingly. “What happened to you?” Ferdinand replied weakly, “I was flying through the park and I got caught in one of the darnedest badminton tournaments you’ve ever seen!”
1/23 Mother (obviously irritated): “Timmy, are you pulling the cat’s tail again?” Little Timmy, “No, mommy, I’m not pulling the cat’s tail. I’m just holding on – he’s doing all the pulling!”
(With thanks and honor to the irreplaceable Red Skelton)
1/16 Q: How do you define a bad movie? A: A bad movie is one that, if you were watching it as the in-flight movie, you would still want to get up and leave. (Overheard on NPR this past week)
1/2 A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. “Are you the friar?” he asks. “No. I’m the chip monk,” he replies.
12/5 In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Of course, I do. I’ve known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney turned red with embarssment.
The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt.”
11/14 Been a while since I posted a funny, so I’ll give a long one. (unabashedly stolen from Jerry Clower, again).
Young Tater loved to travel with his uncle during trips to the pulp-wood mill. The mill owner had a little mo-ped that Tater could ride while his uncle was unloading his logs. But, the instructions were very specific – do not leave the lumber yard!
So one day Tater was whizzing around on this little mo-ped when, up ahead he spied a gap in the fence – he could escape! He poured on the gas and shot through the gap and went shinnying out onto the blacktop. He pulls up to the stop sign just as a city slicker comes rolling up in a brand new Mercedes-Benz – still had the sticker on the back window. Tater looks over and sees the man roll the window down, so he hops off of the mo-ped to go check out the Benz. He sticks his head in the window, “OH, lordy, smell that new leather! And look at all them fancy instruments – why this is finer than a brand new John Deere tractor!” the young man exclaimed. “How fast will she go?” “Tops out at about 120 per” said the slicker. Tater gushed for a few more seconds and the new owner thanked him profusely and then they noticed a line behind them so Tater moves on over to the little motorcycle and hops on.
The show-off gunned the engine of the Benz and sprayed rocks everywhere, VAROOOOOM and takes off, leaving Tater in the dust. Just about the time the Benz tips about 90 mph, the man notices a little speck in his rear-view mirror. The speck gets bigger, no matter how much the man guns the Benz. All of a sudden Tater and the mo-ped come flashing past the Benz and almost disappears into the horizon. “My goodness,” thought the slicker, “I have never seen a mo-ped move so fast in all my life!” Just about then he sees the young man turn around and come back at him just as fast as he left – WHOOSH! The man watched in his rear-view mirror until the mo-ped almost disappeared, turned around, and then once again started getting bigger and bigger and bigger. All of a sudden WHAM! Smashed right into the back of the brand-new Mercedes, and parts and pieces of the mo-ped go flying in every which a direction. The man hopped out of the car and went running around to Tater. “Oh, son, son, is there anything I can do for you? Why, that was some of the most amazing driving I have ever seen in my whole life – is there anything I can do for you son?”
Tater was quiet for just a second or two and then quietly whispered,
“Why, yes, sir, there is…if you don’t mind, would you be so kind as to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?”
10/17 After dealing with chipped porcelain for far too long, grandma finally convinced grandpa to replace the toilet seat with a nice hardwood model. After carefully crafting and finishing the seat, grandpa installed the new perch, but did so before the last coat of varnish was completely dry. Eager to try out the new addition, grandma grabbed her favorite magazine and sat down. Unfortunately for grandma, she fell asleep, and when she awoke she was quite attached to grandpa’s creation. Try as he might, grandpa just could not fix the problem without serious damage to grandma or the seat. They mutually agreed to take the entire situation to Doc Jones, who surely would have an answer.
After telling the whole sordid tale to the doc, and then revealing grandma’s predicament, grandpa asked the doc, “Have you ever in your whole life seen something like this?” To which the good doctor replied,
“Why, yes I have, but never framed in oak!”
10/3 There are basically 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those that don’t.
9/26 A lady goes into the doctor’s office with a high fever and chills. The doctor returns with some bad news. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the tests reveal you have rabies and I’m afraid you do not have much time left.” The lady grabs a piece of paper and a pen and starts writing as fast as she can. The doctor looks over her shoulder – “Is that a list of people you need to say goodbye to?” he asked. “Heavens no” replied the lady…”this is a list of people I want to bite!”
(sorry, just feeling a little snarky today)
9/5 When writing an academic paper, remember that puns are for children, not for adults who are all groan up.
(sorry, stole that from my dissertation style guide)
8/22 The convict stood in front of the judge for sentencing. His pleas for mercy were not entirely ignored. The judge was honest, and he did not want to execute an innocent man. The judge handed the man a jar of herbs. “What’s this?” asked the convict. “It is the extension of your death sentence” replied the judge. “Take this to the kitchen, and tell them that they may use as much of it as they wish per meal, but also you and they must understand that if the jar is used up before you can prove your innocence, you must die.” The prisoner agree that this was an equitable plan, for he was sure his lawyers could get him freed before the jar was empty. As the convict turned to go the judge had one parting piece of advice, “I would encourage your lawyers to work as fast as possible, because, remember, you are living on borrowed thyme.”
8/8 “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” (attributed to Albert Einstein, but is thought worthy anyway.)
7/25 Experience is a wonderful thing. It allows you to recognize your mistakes every time you repeat them.
7/11 After the sermon the preacher walked to the back of the auditorium to shake hands with the members. At the front of the line was a little girl, all dressed up in her Sunday finest. As he shook the little girl’s hand he felt something hard in the palm of his hand, and when he looked, there was a shiny quarter. “What’s this?” he asked the little girl. “That is for you” she replied. “I don’t need your money” the preacher smiled as he held the quarter back to her. “Yes you do,” whispered the little girl, “My daddy said you’re the poorest preacher we’ve ever had, and I want to help!”
7/4 This one was donated by a friend who is approaching “senior” status himself: An old couple noticed that they were having trouble remembering things, so they went to the doctor fearing the onset of Alzheimer’s. The doctor ran a battery of tests, and while they were awaiting the results he told them to help themselves by writing things down that they might forget. When they got home the wife asked her husband for a bowl of ice cream. “Do you want me to write it down?” she asked. “No,” said the old man, “I can remember.” “Can you put some strawberries on the ice cream?” the lady asked. “Sure.” replied her husband. “Do you need me to write it down?” said the wife. “No, I can remember” stammered the old man.
About thirty minutes later the man carried a plate of fried eggs and bacon back to his wife. “I told you I should have written everything down” exclaimed the lady of the house. “What? What do you mean, what is wrong with what I brought you?” the old man replied meekly. The wife shot back, “You forgot my toast!”
6/13 The old preacher got up and started his sermon. After about five minutes he abruptly stopped and sat down. A disgruntled deacon cornered him after the service. “What do you mean, preaching for only five minutes!” he said. “Well, I broke my dentures and all I could find was these old dentures and they are hurting my mouth when I talk,” said the old man. “I’ll try to do better next week.”
The next Sunday rolled around and the minister stood in the pulpit and started preaching. And preaching. And preaching. Twenty-five minutes turned to thirty-five, then forty-five. Finally, after a rear-end busting hour and twenty-five minute sermon the old preacher sat down, soaking in sweat. The first angry deacon was once again the first to speak to him after the service. “What were you thinking? Last week you give us five minutes, this week almost and hour and a half. What’s the deal??”
The old fella just sat on the pew, kind of in a daze – “Well, my old dentures hurt me so bad last week that this week I borrowed a set from my wife…”
6/6 Advice for the day: Never argue with an idiot. They will pull you down to their level and beat you with experience.
5/30 This week’s funny comes from the latest issue of Christianity Today:
Hark, the herald angels sing
Bultmann is the latest thing;
Or, they would have, had he not
Demythologized the lot!
(Attributed to E.L. Mascall)
I find that hysterical…I guess I am weird.
5/23 Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, me dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya’ not tell me the dog was Catholic?
5/9 The airplane pulled away from the gate, started taxiing to the runway, then stopped abruptly and returned to the gate. After about an hour with no explanation given by the pilots or crew, the plane started up again, taxied out to the runway and took off. A passenger flagged a flight attendant down and asked, “What was the reason for the delay?” “Oh,” the flight attendant responded, “the pilot did not like the fact that several warning lights were on in the cockpit and it took us a little while to find a new pilot.”
4/18 A friend of mine was in front of me coming out of church one day and the minister was standing at the door shaking hands with the worshipers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The preacher said to him, “You need to join the army of the Lord.” My friend replied, “I’m already in the army of the Lord.” So the preacher asked, “Then how come I only see you at Christmas and at Easter?” My friend whispered back, “Because I’m in the secret service.”
4/11 [one of my very best friends is truly blonde – so in her honor I love to pass along these jokes]
“Hey guys who wants to hear a blonde joke?” Said a old blind man after sitting himself down on a stool in the bar. The question was met with stony silence. After a few seconds a woman sitting on the blind man’s side said in a vicious tone, “I’m blonde and I don’t appreciate blonde jokes! My best friend is sitting right next to me, she’s blonde and she doesn’t like blonde jokes. And best of all, sitting on your other side is a bodybuilder who happens to be blonde and who I’m pretty sure doesn’t like blonde jokes either! Do you still want to tell that joke?” “No way!” said the blind man, “not if I’m going to have to explain it three times!”
4/4 [sorry for the repeats, but this is the very first “funny” I started this page with, and it remains one of my favorite jokes. Thought I would recycle it again.]
A farmer had a prized draft horse that was the pride of his life. A problem had developed recently, however, that caused him an endless amount of pain. It seems that a flock of birds had nested in the horse’s mane, and despite every effort there was nothing the farmer could do to get the birds out. The incessant chirping and singing of the birds was driving the poor horse to distraction.
One day, when the farmer was just about at his wit’s end, he shared his pitiful story to a group of friends. One of them, a baker, got up, walked to his shop, picked up a handful of baker’s yeast and sprinkled it in the horse’s mane. Relief! The birds flew away and the horse regained his regal composure.
The farmer was flabbergasted. How could such a trick work? What was the magic?
The old baker quietly replied, “Haven’t you ever read, “Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet?”
3/28 [Note: I reached back a little in the archives for this one – it is one of my favorites, and according to my search results, it is one of the most frequently sought out funny stories. Hope you enjoy again…]
The old lumber merchant was beside himself. Every night for the past several nights his most expensive stock of choice lumber was being stolen. All he had for clues was the set of tiny footprints of a little boy leading into the forest. However, all of the boys in the village had been questioned and all had been exonerated. Almost at the point of bankruptcy, he devised a plan to catch the thief. He rigged a spotlight with a motion sensor and waited for the criminal to reappear. Sure enough, late one night the spotlight came on and a loud groan was heard. The merchant came running to catch the little guy only to find himself staring at a huge bear – with tiny little shoes tied onto his feet. With the reserve that befit his noble profession, the merchant calmly addressed the thieving bear – “Blessings on thee, little man, boy-foot bear with Teak of Chan.”
3/14 An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the “accident of evolution” had created. As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned he saw a huge grizzly bear charging toward him. He started running as fast as he thought he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He ran even faster. Every time he looked back the bear was closer. To make things worse he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike. At that instant the atheist cried out, without thinking, “Oh my God! … ” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed out, “You deny my existence, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Yet you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light and answered, “It would be hypocritical for me to be a believer after all these years; but, perhaps, you could make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw … brought both paws together … bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”
2/28 After years of saving and scrimping, a man finally has enough money to buy tickets to the Super Bowl – and right on the 50 yard line no less. When he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. “No, it is empty. ” “That is incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat for the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?” the first man asked. The second man replied, “Well, the seat belongs to me actually. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967. ” “Oh, I am sorry, that is terrible. But could you not find someone else. A friend, relative, or a neighbour to take the seat?” The man shook his head. “No, They are all at the funeral.”
2/14 (good grief – its been a while since I posted a new joke!) Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
11/15 A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.
11/8 (wow, its been a while since I’ve posted a funny! This one is dedicated to one of my very very best friends, who will go unnamed, but if she reads this I am in big trouble…)
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The flight attendant rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted flight attendant gets her supervisor who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The cabin crew doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the flight attendant gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
9/6 This one is from my memory banks. It comes from an old “Wizard of Id” comic. In the comic Sir Rodney is hanging by his arms and legs in the dungeon and he is talking to the guard. He asks, “How did that toasting ceremony go again?” The guard says, “First you toast the King, then you curse the enemy, and then you dash your goblet into the fireplace.” “Oh, that explains it,” says Sir Rodney. “I toasted the enemy, cursed my goblet, and threw the King into the fireplace!”
8/23 Sign of redundancy placed on front lawn of drug rehabilitation center: “Keep of the Grass.”
8/2 My friend was fired from his job at the highway department for stealing. It really was no surprise – it was impossible to ignore all the signs.
7/26 So this man walked into a bar, ordered a drink and sat down. As he sipped his beer he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around he noticed that the room was empty except for himself and the bartender who was at the end of the bar. A few sips later the same voice said “beautiful shirt.” When he heard that the man called to the bartender, “Hey…I must be losing my mind. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here other than us.” “It’s the peanuts” answered the bartender. “Say again?” said the man. “You heard me” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
7/12 Did you know that John Steinbeck was working on a sequel to his great novel about life during the dust bowl? The main storyline was going to be about how difficult it was to overcome the ravages of alcoholism. The working title was, “The Wrath of Grapes.”
6/28 The liability trial against a trucking firm was under way. A victim of an auto accident was suing the trucking company because he said the driver of the truck caused physical and emotional distress. The defense lawyer stood up and asked the victim a question: “Mr. Jones, would you tell the jury if you told the police officer at the site of the accident that you were indeed fine, and had not experienced any injuries?”
Mr. Jones started, “Well, you see, I had loaded my mule into my trailer and was just starting down the highway…”
The lawyer interrupted – “Mr. Jones, that is not the question, the question is did you tell the officer you were okay?”
Mr. Jones started again, “Well, it was like this, I was trailering my ol’ mule down the highway when this semi pulls out in front of me…”
Again the lawyer cut him off. “Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to answer my simple question – did he or did he not advise the police officer at the scene that he was not injured.”
The judge was curious, however, and overruled the lawyer. “I would like to hear the story from Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones, you may continue…”
So, once again, Mr. Jones started his story. “Well, you see, your Honor, I was moving my best ol’ mule from one pasture to another and had just started down the highway when this truck pulls out and boom! smacks me in the side of my pickup. My truck and trailer when kit over caboodle and ended up in the ditch. I was throwed out of the pickup and my ol’ mule Bessie was hollerin’ and carryin’ on somethin’ awful. I knowed she was in horrible pain. I myse’f was all bunged up and had a broke leg. Well, this highway patrolman pulls up right next to Bessie and he sees that she has a broke leg and is all messed up and she is hollerin’ and and a screamin’ and a carryin’ on somethin’ awful and he pulls out his hog-leg and blooey!, shoots my Bessie right between her eyes. Then he walks over to me with his pistol still in his hand and says to me, he says, “Hey old-timer, you okay?”
“Honestly, your honor, at that moment, what would you expect me to say?”
6/21 (Another one from Jerry Clower…) A couple of boys from the deep South were drafted into the army. In the barracks a couple of Yankees were giving them a hard time, as one Southerner was sweeping the floor and the other was mopping. One of the Yankees tried his best Rebel drawl and said, “Why don’t you fellas tell us who it was that won the Civil War?” Without even breaking his rhythm, one of the southerners smashed his broom stick over the transgressor’s head. As the Yankee lay moaning on the ground the Southern dandy walked over and said very slowly, “The Civil War ain’t over yet…”
6/14 One of the greatest story tellers of all time was Jerry Clower. One of my favorite stories Jerry told was of a hunting trip he made with a city slicker from LA. Jerry went to Uncle Versie’s farm to inform him that they would be hunting on his land. During the conversation the old gentleman requested that, as a favor, would Jerry please humanely dispatch an old and dying mule. As the story goes, Jerry decides to have a little fun with the city slicker. He came back to the truck in a real huff, complaining that the old man refused them access to his property. “I can’t believe that ol’ guy treated me that way! Just to get even with him, I’m gonna shoot that old mule in the field.” So he stops, walks over to the mule and blooey, drops the mule in his tracks. Before he can turn around he hears three more shots, blam, blam, blam. Running back to the truck the hunter yells, “What are you doing?” The city slicker responds, “Well, you was so mad at that fellow for saying ‘no’ I thought I would help you out by shooting three of his cows!”
(for the real story, go to You Tube and search for ‘Jerry Clower Ole Mule’. It’s one of the funniest things you will hear!)
5/31 – Some statements I wish I would hear in the foyer this coming Sunday…
- Hey! It’s MY turn to sit on the front pew!
- I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
- Personally, I find personal evangelism much more enjoyable than golf.
- I’ve decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
- I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
- Forget the minimum salary: let’s pay our preacher so he can live like we do. (and don’t forget the youth and campus minister!)
- I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before.
- Since we’re all here, let’s start the worship service early!
- Hey campus minister, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
- Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual budget Sunday and giving sermon.
5/10 Feeling somewhat contemplative, a preacher checked into a monastery to experience a month long retreat. After a monk showed him his sparsely equipped cell he turned and said to the preacher – “We hope you have a blessed time in our monastery. If you need anything be sure to let one of the brothers know, and we will teach you how to do without it.”
5/3 A blonde walks into the electronics store and tells the salesman, “I want to buy this TV.” The salesman replied, “I’m sorry ma’am, we do not sell to blondes.” So the next day she dyes her hair a deep red and tries again. “I’m sorry ma’am, but we do not sell to blondes.” The next day she comes back as a gorgeous brunette. The salesman will not budge. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we do not sell to blondes.” Finally she shaves her head completely and walks into the store. The salesman looks at her and says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we do not sell to blondes.” “How can you tell I’m blonde?” she asks. “Well, for one thing, that is not a TV, its a microwave.”
4/5 Two really good friends meet for the last time on the earth. Peter and Paul have known each other since childhood, and have played baseball together for most of their lives. Peter lies close to death. Paul comes for one last visit. “You afraid to die?” asks Paul. “No,” says Peter, “really I’m looking forward to heaven.” “Not me” says Paul. “I don’t want to go nowhere there is not baseball. Tell you what, when you get up there, find out if there is any baseball and find a way to let me know.” “Sure enough” says Peter and after a little more chit chat Paul leaves. A couple of days later Peter dies.
A week after the funeral Paul is shaken awake by a ghostly looking Peter standing by his bed. “Peter, my friend, thanks for coming back so soon! Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well, to answer your question I have good news and bad news. The good news is that yes, there is baseball every night in heaven – no rainouts, the stands are full to capacity, the grass is perfectly manicured and the home team never has to worry about getting hurt.”
“Well, what could possibly be bad about that?” asked the groggy Paul.
“The bad news is that you are scheduled to pitch for the opposing team tomorrow night.”
3/29 The new Pope was in quite a bit of turmoil. The Prime Minister of Israel had called to congratulate him on his election, and in the process had challenged him to a round of golf. But this golf game was to have serious consequences. The winner of the match would be able to claim religious superiority – whether the Jews or the Christians were right. The Pope was concerned because he had never played a round of golf in his life. “Not to worry,” said the Pope’s closest Cardinals. “We will call Phil Mickelson, ordain him as a Cardinal, and he can play in your place.” The idea sounded great to the Pope so they made all the arrangements.
The next week the Pope got a call from Cardinal Mickelson. “I have to report that I lost the match.” What?!” said the Pope, “You lost to Benjamin Netanyahu?”
“No,” said Cardinal Mickelson, “I lost to Rabbi Woods.”
3/22 Juan and Pedro were having an argument. Juan claimed that he knew everyone who was alive. Pedro could not believe him. “I bet you do not know Tiger Woods” said Pedro. “Sorry, you lose” retorted Juan. So, off they go to Florida and quick as a wink Juan walks up to Tiger and they greet each other with a big hug and play a round of golf together. “Well, that was just luck” said Pedro. “But I bet you do not know the president.” “Wrong again,” sniffs Juan. So, off they fly to Washington and the minute they step in the White House out steps President Obama with a big mug of beer for Juan and they go back inside the Oval Office to catch up on old times. “Okay, beginners’s luck” snorts Pedro. “But there is no way in this world you know the Pope.” “Well, I hate to say it, but actually I do” replied Juan, so off they fly to Rome.
Juan warned Pedro about Papal visits – “I will enter the Vatican and make sure it is okay with the Holy Father, and then we will come out on the balcony together.” So off he disappears into the Vatican. A few minutes later Juan and the Pope step out onto the balcony overlooking St. Peter’s square where hundreds have gathered to hear the Pope speak. Juan looks out over the crowd just in time to see his friend Pedro faint into a big heap on the ground. He hurries as fast as he can to rush to his friend’s side. He apologized, “I’m sorry, Pedro, I did not mean to cause you to pass out when you realized I knew the Pope as well.” Pedro answered weakly, “Oh, it was not you walking out with the Pope that made me faint. I lost it when the guy standing next to me jabbed me in the ribs and asked me, ‘Hey, who is the guy wearing the funny little hat standing up there on the balcony with Juan?'”
3/1 The church member walked into his preacher’s office. There on the desk was a red phone – fully complete but with no numbers on it. “What is that for?” asked the member. “Oh, that” said the preacher, “that is my hotline to God. It is how I communicate with God. Try it.” So the church member picked up the phone, and after a few moments heard a voice that sounded distinctly divine. After a 5 or 10 minute conversation the member hung up and was going to leave. “Hold on” said the preacher, “that will be $20.00 for the phone call.” The member was only too happy to pay the $20.00
A couple of months later the same member happened to visit the president of his alma mater. Sure enough, on his desk was an exact copy of the red phone. “Is that a hot-line to God?” he asked the president. “Why, yes it is, would you like to place a call?” “I sure would” replied the member. He followed the same procedure, made his call, and was getting ready to leave. “Hold on,” said the president, “That will be $20.00 for the phone call.” Once again the member reached in his pocket and paid the money.
That summer the member and his family were vacationing in Colorado and happened to visit a local congregation. As the member was walking past the minister’s study he happened to spy the exact same make and model of the red phone, once again strategically placed on the minister’s desk. “Let me guess” said the member, “A hotline to God!” “Why, how did you know that?” asked the minister. “I am happy to share – would you like to place a call?” By now the member was getting used to talking on the phone with God, so he eagerly picked up the phone and had a nice long conversation. After he hung up he reached in his pocket, pulled out his wallet and retrieved a nice, crisp $20.00 bill and handed it to the minister. “What is this for?” asked the minister, obviously very confused. “Well, back home in my minister’s office, and at the president’s office of my alma mater, I had to pay $20.00 for the use of the phone.”
“Yes, I understand that,” said the minister, “But this is Colorado, and there is no charge for a local phone call.”
2/15 A recently formed nudist colony was allowed to establish a community as long as they built a wall to shield their “naturist” behavior. It has been alleged that there is a hole in this wall, but rest assured, the police are looking into it.
2/8 A teenage boy finally passed his driver’s exam and received his license. He asked his father for a car. His father thought for a moment and said, “We’ll make a deal – bring your grade average up an entire grade, study your Bible, and get a haircut. Then we’ll see.” A couple of months later the father called his son in to the den. “Son, you’ve brought your grades from a C to a B, I’ve noticed you reading your Bible every night, but you still have not cut your hair. Until you get a hair cut you cannot get your car.” The boy replied – “I noticed as I was reading my Bible how Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and most probably even Jesus had long hair. So I don’t think I need to get a haircut.” The father sat there for a moment and then responded, “I suppose you noticed that Samson, John the Baptist and probably even Jesus walked everywhere they went, too.”
1/25 Three elderly sisters, ages 96, 94, and 92 lived in the same house. The 96 year old went upstairs to take a bath. She just put her foot in the water when she called out, “Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?” The 94 year old yelled out, “You ninny, stay up there and I will come tell you.” She gets half-way up the stairs, pauses, and calls out, “Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?” The 92 year old yells back, “I swear, if I live to be 100 I will never be as scatter brained as you two, knock on wood” and she loudly knocked on the wood table for emphasis. She paused for a minute and added, “I’ll help you two just as soon as I see who is at the door.”
1/18 The preacher preached and preached and preached. Finally, at the end of his exhaustingly long and complicated sermon he asked the congregation, “Now, does anyone have a song request?” From the back of the auditorium – “How ’bout ‘Revive Us Again.'”
1/11 A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says………………
“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
12/28 The game had been close from the opening kickoff. However, several close calls had gone against the home team. Now down by a touchdown and driving for a tying score, the team had just been penalized once again in a play that could have gone either way. The usually even tempered quarterback had enough. “I can’t believe you called that!” he screamed at the referee. “You missed an out-of-bounds in the first quarter, you let me get creamed in the second quarter, and now you call that.” He swallowed hard and suppressed his desire to really tell the official off. “The fact of the matter is you stink” was all he could come up with.
The referee stood for a second, quietly dropped his flag, picked up the football and paced off another 15 yards and asked smugly, “So, how do I smell from here?”
(having served as a sports official, I REALLY liked that one!)
12/21 In light of the events of last Friday, there will be no joke this week.
12/14 I like to pick on Dallas Cowboy fans, but there is one thing in which they excel – they get to laugh three times every time a joke is told. Once, when the joke is first told, a second time when someone explains it to them, and a third time when they finally get it. (Freely adaptable to any pro 0r college sports team)
12/7 A little boy who had been born and raised in Colorado was told he and his family would be moving to Texas soon. As he bowed his head in prayer that night he told God, “Dear God, mommy said we would be moving away from Colorado soon. We are moving to Texas. It sure has been nice knowing you, but I’m sure we’ll come back to visit sometime.”
11/30 In honor of this being the week before final exams, and because I am teaching a course in philosophy, I offer this little gem (and my apologies to those who have shared it on their blogs – good jokes are just good jokes!)
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the barkeep says, “Hey buddy, want a beer?” To which Descartes says, “I think not” and he immediately disappears.
11/16 The only way to accumulate any horse sense is through stable thinking. Of course, it helps to corral your thoughts and bridle your tongue.
11/9 The poor old preacher woke up in the middle of the night only to realize he was staring at a burglar. “Don’t move, old man, I’m here to find all your money” growled the thief. “Excellent” drawled the old preacher. “Let me get up and help you…I been lookin’ fer it myself and I ain’t found any yet!”
11/2 Every family was supposed to take a turn at inviting the new preacher for a Sunday meal. Soon it was little Johnny’s family’s turn. As the family gathered around the table, the father asked Johnny to word the prayer of thanks. Johnny said he did not know what to pray for, and his father said, “Just remember something you heard this morning, and pray for that.” Johnny paused for a moment, bowed his head and cleared his throat, then intoned in the most adult manner that he could, “Dear God, we are so grateful for the opportunity to have the preacher over to our house for lunch today, and we humbly pray that the old buzzard doesn’t stick around too long after dessert.”
10/26 Did you know that a group of biologists have discovered a new breed of antelope that can jump higher than the average house? They have decided that this is due to two factors: one, the antelope has extremely strong, well developed hind quarters. The other factor is that the average house cannot jump.
10/19 A group of old widowers were sitting around a table in the coffee shop remembering their past lives and loves. “I remember we only got into one fight” said one old-timer. “It was a good-un too. Turns out I didn’t see her for almost a week afterwards.” “That was horrible” said one of his friends. “What fixed the problem?” “Well,” said the first, “After a couple of days the swelling started to go down, and a couple of days later I was able to open one of my eyes and sure enough, there she was!”
10/12 Watching the unbearably ignorant avalanche of political garbage as the election nears, I am reminded of a great line used by The Kingston Trio during one of their live performances. One of them said, “People ask us why we do not do much political satire anymore. Why should we, when the politicians are doing so much better job of it.”
10/5 (This is one of my all-time favorite jokes. I owe it to the incomparable Dr. Tony Ash)
Once upon a time the Pope decided to evict all the Jews out of Rome. This, of course, cause no small amount of anguish among the Jewish population. After some delicate negotiations it was decided that a debate would be held between the Pope and a representative of the Jewish people, and the winner of the debate would decide if the people stayed or not. The only judge of the debate would be the Pope himself. The Jews chose their best debater, Shlomo, a poor but wise man. Because he could not speak Latin it was agreed the debate would be a silent one.
The day of the debate arrived. The pope sat on one side of a large table, Shlomo on the other.
The Pope held up three fingers. Shlomo paused and defiantly held up one finger.
The Pope made a large circular gesture around his head. Shlomo emphatically pointed at the table with his finger.
The Pope slowly and majestically revealed the Host and a chalice of wine. Shlomo slowly pulled out an apple.
“All right, gentlemen” Said the Pope. “I shall retire to my quarters and return in an hour with my decision.”
An hour later the Pope re-entered the room. “I must honestly admit that the debate has been won by my worthy opponent. The Jews may stay in Rome.”
The bishops were aghast. They surrounded the Pope in his quarters. “What went wrong?” they asked. “Well, he had an answer for everything. I showed him three fingers, representing the Trinity, but he showed me one finger – representing the One God we both worship. I pointed out that God filled the whole universe, and he reminded me that God was right here, present with us. Then I showed him the Eucharist, reminding him of the forgiveness of our sins through Christ, and he pulled out an apple, teaching that sin still remains among us. I had to concede.”
In another room the joyous Jews were congratulating Shlomo. “What happened?” they asked. “I really don’t know.” Said Shlomo. “He told me that we only had three days to get out of Rome. I told him not one Jew was going to leave. Then he said everyone around here wanted us to leave, and I told him that we were staying put. Then he took out his lunch, and I took out mine.”
9/21 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were called to Spain to solve a particularly gruesome murder. Upon inspection of the corpse, Holmes turned to Watson and said, “Dr., I believe we are dealing with the fiendish golf-gun murderer.” Dr. Watson was baffled, “Why, what leads you to that conclusion, Mr. Holmes?” asked the good doctor. “Because” replied the sleuth, “Whoever did this obviously wanted to make a hole in Juan.”
9/28 (My favorite story of overreaching) A lady explained the behavior of her pet parakeet. “One day I was vacuuming the drapes when I bent over to pick up some lint off of the floor. I heard a ‘whump’ and I realized little Petey was no longer on his perch. I immediately opened up the vacuum cleaner and found him covered with all kinds of gunk. I ran over to the sink and washed him off as quick as I could, but then I realized he was shivering from the cold water. I then took him back to the bedroom and dried him off with my hair dryer.” The lady paused thoughtfully for a moment and then continued. “Petey doesn’t sing much anymore…he just kind of sits and stares off into the distance….”
9/14 Feeling somewhat insecure, the wife looked over at her husband and asked, “Honey, if I died right away, would you remarry?” “You know that there is only one woman for me” replied the man, “I don’t even want to think about such a thing.” “But, would you eventually remarry?” “Well, maybe, yes, I suppose I might eventually remarry.” Well, that just increased her worry. “Would this other woman live in our house?” “Honey I told you, there is only one woman for me.” “But, if you remarried, would you live in this house?” The man thought a while, “Well, I suppose in the event that I did remarry, well, yes, we would probably live here.” The wife continued, “Would you sleep in this bed, would she use my dishes?” The man was growing perturbed. “This is all so hypothetical, how can I talk about such things…if I was to remarry and if we lived in this house, then yes, it would make sense that she would use your dishes and we would sleep in this bed.” The wife was silent for a while and then spoke again, “Just one more question…would you let her use my golf clubs?” Without really thinking, the man replied, “Oh, no dear, she can’t do that, she’s left handed.”
9/7 The old spinster found a beautiful lamp and rubbed it’s side. Sure enough, out pops a genie. “Ask whatever ye wish, I’ll grant ye three wishes” said the genie. The old woman looked around her sparsely decorated house. “I’ve never had any money, I wish for a fortune.” Poof, at her feet was a pile of thousands of bills. She caught a glimpse of herself in a small mirror. “I’ve never been attractive, I wish to be beautiful.” Poof, she became a ravishing beauty. She then spied her loving, faithful cat. “I’ve never been married, I wish my faithful cat to be my husband.” Poof, by her side was a stunningly handsome young man. As she looked longingly into his eyes, her new groom said somewhat sadly, “I tried to tell you, but I knew that one day you would regret taking me to that vet…”
8/31 The police officer walked up to the speeding vehicle he had just pulled over. He asked the driver, “Excuse me sir, do you have any reason for exceeding the speed limit the way you were?” The flustered driver answered back, perhaps a little too quickly, “I’m very sorry officer, but my wife is about to get pregnant and I want to be there when it happens!”
8/24 Bro. Smith went to the doctor with some unusual pains. After a rather thorough exam the doctor came back into the room. He had a stern look on his face. “I’m afraid there is nothing I can do” said the doctor, “I’m afraid this is terminal.” “How much longer do I have?” asked Bro. Smith. “About 10″ said the doctor. “10 what?” asked Bro. Smith, “10 weeks, 10 months, 10 years…?” The doctor looked at his wristwatch…”9, 8, 7,…”
8/17 (been a while, huh?) After a particularly bumpy landing the captain said in a very loud voice, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I just wanted to let you know that landing was performed by the first officer, who has not quite mastered the fine art of landing planes with people on board.” The first officer sat in the cockpit, quiet but fuming. As luck would have it, on the very next leg of the flight the captain set the plane down with a considerably less than graceful thud. The first officer could not wait to get on the intercom – “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first officer. I just wanted to let you know that landing was performed by the captain, who obviously has forgotten that he is no longer landing fighter jets on aircraft carriers.” The captain was furious. “What in the world are you doing?” he raged. “Well, just after my last landing you made basically the same comment about my landing skills” the FO defended himself. “Yes I did” said the captain, “BUT I DID NOT HAVE MY FINGER ON THE MICROPHONE SWITCH!”
7/20 The Bible school teacher finished her class and then asked some follow-up questions. “Who can tell me the name of God?” she asked. Without batting an eyelash a little boy blurted out, “Andy.” “Andy?” said the teacher. “Why do you think God’s name is Andy?” The little boy responded with lawyer like precision, “Because every week we sing the song, ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own…'”
7/13 A young couple got married. As they were setting up their first house the bride put a shoe box on the top shelf of her closet and told her husband never to look in it. He honored her request for over 50 years. As she lay dying, and as he was putting all of their affairs in order, he came across the box and decided to look in it. Inside he found two beautifully crocheted doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to his wife and asked her if she could explain. “My mother gave me the box the day we were married. She told me that every time I got angry with you I was to take out my frustrations by crocheting a doily.” The old man was very pleased that in their lengthy marriage she had only been angry with him twice. “But the money, where did all that money come from?” he asked his wife. “Oh, that,” she said quietly. “That money came from selling all the doilies that I made.”
7/6 Funniest Higgs-boson joke I’ve seen: the Higgs-boson walks into a Catholic church. “Hey, what are you doing here?” asks the surprised priest. “You can’t have mass without me!” replies the little H-b.
6/29 – Did you hear about the Department of Defense and their challenge for universities to construct a new submarine? It seems that several universities are having problems with their designs. The University of New Mexico ran into problems when the adobe kept melting off. Texas A & M never could quite figure out how to seal the screen door. Notre Dame cannot figure out how to get the periscope to go through their golden conning tower. Brigham Young cannot find anyone to translate their blueprints. The University of California ran out of money. The entire Southeast Conference was disqualified when it was discovered that their engineers were taking steroids. It’s been a rough competition!
6/21 Peter and Paul (not their real names!) decided to go ice fishing. They found a good spot and started drilling through the ice. “There are no fish beneath that ice” came a voice booming over the ice. Startled, the pair packed up their stuff and moved away. They found what looked like another good spot and started to augur through the ice. “There are no fish beneath that ice” the voice warned again. Spooked, the men packed up, moved over a ways and started the whole process again. “I told you, there are no fish beneath that ice!” the voice was really started to get exasperated. The men were terrified. “Is that you, God?” Peter asked cautiously. “NO! I’m the rink announcer!”
6/15 The new bride went home to spend a few days with her mother. She was frustrated that, despite all of her best efforts, her new husband simply would not amend his masculine ways. She could not understand, because all of her life she had seen her father obey all of her mother’s smallest whims and fancies. After a long discussion explaining all of her failures, she asked her mom how she managed to get her father to behave.
“Simple, my dear,” said the wise old matron, “If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.”
6/8 The children begged for a pet hamster. Mom knew that she would eventually be the one to tend to the beast, but after acquiring the requisite promises from the children that they would feed and water the pet and clean the cage she finally agreed. It was a day of great rejoicing when the hamster, affectionately named “Danny” came home. But euphoria sooned turned to drudgery, and sure enough, mom was the only one taking care of Danny. Finally she had enough, and announced that Danny had been acquired by another family and would soon be leaving. “Well, he’s been here a long time, we will miss him” said little Johnny. “Yes, I know,” said mom, “but I am the only one taking care of him, so I say it is time for him to go.” Little Susie piped up, “Well, maybe if we just did not feed him as much he would not be so messy and we could keep him.” “No” said mom, “no more bargaining. Danny must go – now go get his cage.” “DANNY?!” the children screamed in shock and horror. “We thought you said DADDY!”
6/1 Back in the good old days when Catholics actually practiced Catholicism, a young Protestant fell in love with a Catholic girl. She would only agree to continue to see him if he converted. This caused him great distress, as he was not sure he could assimilate to all the rules and strict behavior. The priest with whom he was studying had a very simple response – every time he was tempted to lapse he was to repeat, “I’m not a protestant, I’m a Catholic, I’m not a protestant, I’m a Catholic, I’m not a protestant, I’m a Catholic.” The young man agreed to try as best he could.
One Friday as the priest was making his rounds he happened to be walking down the lane past the young man’s cottage. Out of the open kitchen window came the most delicious odor of a sizzling steak. Furious that the young man would give up his new faith so soon the priest marched up to the door only to be stopped short by the mantra being repeated behind the curtains – ‘You’re not a steak, you’re a trout, you’re not a steak, you’re a trout, you’re not a steak, you’re a trout.”
5/25 How would you identify an elder in a congregation of the Church of Christ in Berlin? It’s obvious — you would look for the German Shepherd.
5/18 The young priest was called into the Bishop’s office and assigned his first funeral. He soon discovered why it was assigned to him. The deceased was a ringleader in the local mafia, known for his brutality, scheming, robbing and general mayhem. His brother met the priest at the church. “I want you to convince these people that my brother was a saint. I have the money to build you that new community center you want. Convince the people of my brother’s saintedness, and you will get your center.” The priest struggled. “I can’t say that.” “If you want your community center, you will declare my brother a saint” threatened the brother. Finally the day of the funeral arrived. The priest stood before the congregation and cleared his throat. “This man was a murderer, a thief, and an extortionist. There is no end of the grief he caused this village. His death was a relief to all of us. But, to be perfectly honest, compared to his brother, he was a real saint!”
5/11 Peter, Paul and John decide to take a trip to Ireland. They just happen to be there on St. Patrick’s Day, when it is said St. Patrick himself returns to earth. So, they are sitting in a pub and in walks St. Paddy himself. Peter sends him a pint of Irish Ale. Paul pays for his Irish stew. And John sends over a shot of Irish whiskey to end the meal. When he is finished, St. Patrick walks over to the table where the three men are sitting. He places his hand on Peter’s shoulder and thanks him for the ale. “Wow,” says Peter, “my back, which has been hurting for years, has quit hurting, thank you St. Patrick!” St. Patrick walks over to John and puts his hand on his head, and thanks him for the little snip of whiskey. “Wow,” said John, “my migraine headache, which I have had for days, is gone! Thank you St. Patrick” St. Patrick starts to walk over to Paul to thank him for the stew. “Don’t get close to me, St. Patrick!” exclaims Paul. “I’m getting disability payments!”
5/4 The townspeople heard the terrified cries from the stagecoach. Something horrible had happened and the horses were pulling the coach at break-neck speed down the hill outside of town. Just a few seconds and they would be careening down main street, but there would be no way they could make the turn, and disaster awaited when they smashed into the hotel. Everyone was paralyzed with fear except the grizzled old barkeep, an Irishman known for some of the saltiest language this side of the Mississippi. As the stagecoach entered the town and came ripping down the street the barkeep strolled out and cut loose with some of the foulest language that he had ever used, causing even some of the cowpokes to blush. Amazingly, the horses came to a very gentle stop, lowered their heads, and some even believed they started to cry. No one could figure out the magic in the barkeeps words, until a stranger came crawling out of the stagecoach, dusted himself off, and said, (in a very Irish brogue) “I ain’t never seen a horse yet that could keep runnin’ when ‘e heard them lovely ‘Riled Irish Whoas.'”
4/20 A couple of pranksters got ahold of the preacher’s Bible and decided to have a little fun. First, they carefully cut a page or two out of the book, and then carefully glued the remaining pages together. The next Sunday preacher mounted the pulpit and carefully intoned, “Today’s text is taken from the book of Genesis, chapter 1, ‘And God said Let us make man…(turning the page) three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits.” Puzzled, the minister turned the page back and read the same passage over again. Still puzzled, the preacher turned to the congregation and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have never read that passage before, but it just goes to prove to you how fearfully and wonderfully we are made!”
4/13 The old lumber merchant was beside himself. Every night for the past several nights his most expensive stock of choice lumber was being stolen. All he had for clues was the set of tiny footprints of a little boy leading into the forest. However, all of the boys in the village had been questioned and all had been exonerated. Almost at the point of bankruptcy, he devised a plan to catch the thief. He rigged a spotlight with a motion sensor and waited for the criminal to reappear. Sure enough, late one night the spotlight came on and a loud groan was heard. The merchant came running to catch the little guy only to find himself staring at a huge bear – with tiny little shoes tied onto his feet. With the reserve that befit his noble profession, the merchant calmly addressed the thieving bear – “Blessings on thee, little man, boy-foot bear with Teak of Chan.”
4/6 This is an oldy, but hardly stale. Roy Rogers and Dale Evans were ecstatic about moving to their new mountain villa. That is, until Roy left a brand new pair of penny loafers out on the front porch one night because they had some mud on them and he did not want to soil the new carpet. So, in the morning he was distraught to find that a mountain lion had utterly shredded his slippers. He immediately set out to apprehend the offending feline. A couple of days later he rode up to the house with the lion draped over the rear of his horse. Dale came out to meet him and asked, (ahem),
“Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
3/30 Claude started by attending all of his marital counseling sessions without fail, but had skipped the last several weeks in a row. Finally he called his counselor and told him that his marriage was vastly improved and that he would not need any more counseling. “That’s wonderful” said the counselor, “what made the difference in your relationship?”
“It’s easy,” replied Claude, “For years I would wake up grumpy every morning. But now I’ve just learned to let her sleep in until she gets up on her own.”
3/24 A little boy begged his father to come out and watch him and his new skills with the baseball and bat. The father stepped out on the porch and the little boy said, “Watch this” as he threw the ball up in the air. He swung his bat with all of his strength and missed by a foot. He grinned at his father and picked the ball up and tossed it in the air again. Another mighty swing and the same result. Undaunted the little boy picked the ball up and tossed it in the air, followed by another mighty wiff. The father was trying to formulate some words of encouragement when the little boy yelled out, “Did ya see that daddy, I’m gonna be the best pitcher in the world!”
3/9 After much begging and pleading, John finally relented and agreed to take his wife hunting. He was not sure she was cut out for shooting an animal, but she was so insistent, he decided to let her learn for herself. He carefully positioned her on a likely looking rise and told her to watch the game path beneath her. He would be just over the hill, and if she needed anything they had their two-way radios. No sooner had he hiked over the hill and sat himself down than he heard a tremendous “boom” come from where he had just left his wife. Running back as fast as he could he could not believe her luck! Not only that, but he was embarrassed that he had doubted her composure in making the kill. As he got closer though he became concerned, as he heard what sounded like a pretty heated argument going on. Had someone else claimed her animal? Finally, as he got close enough to make out the words he heard a male voice proclaim rather emotionally, “Okay, lady, you win! It’s your elk! Just let me get my saddle off of it, will you!”
3/2 Peter and Paul went hunting. They managed to bag a very nice buck and started dragging it back to their pickup. The going was pretty rough, however, and the deer’s antlers kept getting snagged in the brush and scrub oak trees. Shortly they happened upon another, more seasoned hunter, who gave them a little friendly advice, “You know, pulling that deer would be a lot easier if you grabbed its antlers and pulled head first.” So Peter and Paul grab the antlers and start pulling. Sure enough they are able to travel much faster and with less effort. “Man, I sure wish we had thought of this sooner” said Peter. “Yeah, I agree,” said Paul, “But by pulling the head aren’t we getting further away from the truck?”
2/24 Although they knew the results of Custer’s final battle, the army wanted to know what went wrong. At long last, a bedraggeled soldier came crawling back from the battle, far too traumatized to speak. Despite all the questions he could give no answers. Finally he motioned for a pencil and some paper. On it he drew the most beautiful scene, on one side was Custer and his scouts, on the other was a Holstein, grazing peacefully with a curious halo over her head. Gathered around the cow was a large group of Indians, all harvesting bolls from large, healthy cotton plants. The soldier handed the picture to the generals, but no one could make any sense of it. Cautiously, a young corporal ventured a word, “Gentlemen, I believe the drawing is meant to convey what must have been General Custer’s final words – ‘Holy Cow, look at all those cotton-pickin Indians.'”
2/17 Old deacon Jones lay dying in the hospital bed. Preacher Smith made one final visit to his old friend. Tubes and monitors and instruments of all different sizes and shapes were attached to the deacon’s body. Preacher Smith knelt by the bedside and spoke lovingly of old times and special moments. He offered a brief prayer. After he said, “Amen” he noticed deacon Jones struggling to say something, but his voice was so raspy he could not make it out. Finally deacon Jones motioned for a pad of paper and a pencil on the bedside table. He scribbled a few lines, looked upward to heaven, and breathed his last. Preacher Smith slipped the paper into his pocket and walked quietly away.
A few days later at the funeral preacher Smith worked himself into a frenzy with his remembrances of a life well lived and, what he was sure of, was a grand entrance into heaven for deacon Jones. Then, as he brushed his coat pocket, it occurred to him that he was wearing the same suit that he was wearing when he last visited the good deacon, and the deacon’s last words were in his pocket. “I just remembered that when I visited deacon Jones for the last time he wrote me this note, and in my grief I never read it” preacher Smith roared. “But now, brothers and sisters, I will read to you old deacon Jones last, precious words while he was on this earth:
“You’re standing on my oxygen line, you idiot!”
2/10 The preacher was new to town and unfamiliar with the local terrain, but was grateful to be asked to serve at at graveside service for a non-member. He got lost, however, and arrived at the site much later than he wanted, and to his dismay the grave was covered and just a few men were standing around the site. He hurried over, apologized profusely, and said, “Let us please begin.” The men gathered around, and he started with a prayer and then read his message of encouragement about life and our hope after death. He was deeply moved by the suppressed sniffs and the gentle wiping of tears of those assembled. He finished with another touching prayer, shook all the hands, and then hurried off. “That was beautiful!” said one of the men. “Yep,” said another, “I been diggin’ septic systems for purt near all my life, and I ain’t never seen anything like that!”
2/3 The young preacher arrived for his first sermon at the small church. Seated near the front was a sweet senior saint who nodded appreciatively during the entire service. At several points during the sermon the young preacher repeated, “I studied hard this week, but the commentators don’t agree with me!” Each time he said this his voice trembled with more emotion. It was obvious that the young man was quite upset.
The next Sunday the preacher was startled to see the senior saint in his office carrying a huge bag of sweet potatoes. “Here,” she said, “these are for you.” Not quite sure what to think, the young man replied, “well, thank you, but if I may ask, to what do I owe the graciousness of this gift?” “Well,” started the little lady, “you kept sayin’ last Sunday about how them common ‘taters didn’t agree with you, so I thought maybe some of these sweet ‘taters might do better.”
1/27 “I’ve never seen my preacher’s eyes, though God’s light in them might shine; for when he prays he closes his eyes, and when he preaches he closes mine.” (Well, it never happens to ME, but I’m told it happens to some preachers).
1/20 The Texan pulled up to the bank of the Red River in his brand new pickup truck, pulled out his suitcase sized tackle box, tied on a big fancy lure on the end of his line and started casting out into the river. Across the river he watched as a grizzled old Okie beat and bang his way down to the river in a rusted out jalopy. The Okie got out, tied an old hook on the end of his line, put on a worm and cast his line out into the river. Almost immediately he caught a very nice sized bass, unhooked it and let it go. Another worm, another bass, another release. This went on for some time and the Texan was getting really frustrated, he had not even had a bite. Finally the Texan had enough. After the Okie caught and released an especially nice sized bass the Texan yelled out across the river – “Hey, why do you keep releasing all those beautiful fish?” “Because they all be Texas fish” replied the Okie. The Texan was dumbfounded. He had heard of White bass and Black bass and Striped bass, but never about a particular strain of Texas fish. “How do you know they are Texas fish?” asked the perplexed Longhorn. The Sooner grinned, “Because they all have big mouths.”
1/13 Old Bro. Hitchinhisbritches was known as being a somewhat cantankerous old curmudgeon, and not without reason. At the latest business meeting, Bro. Goodidea suggested the purchase of a new chandelier for the foyer. Bro. Hitchinhisbritches was the first to raise his hand in objection, as usual. “I don’t understand all this talk about shandoleers” said old Bro. H. “First of all, they cost way too much money, and second of all, no one can even spell the durn thing. And finally, that foyer is so dark what we really ought to be talkin’ about is buying a new light fixture.”
1/6 Peter and John decided to cut class and go fishing. They took off down to the lake, rented a little rowboat and off they went. They had a wonderful outing and caught more fish than they could ever imagine. At the end of the day Peter turns to John and says, “You know, we should mark this spot so we can find it again.” So John takes out his knife and scratches a big X on the side of the boat. “You dummy,” says Peter, “how do you know that we will be able to get the same boat next time?”
12/16 It was the last day of finals for the semester. John wearily slunk into his biology classroom. The subject was Ornathology and he had struggled all semester. The professor stood before the students and announced the test. “All around the room you notice birds that have been mounted on blocks of wood. You also notice that the head and body of each bird has been covered by black material. Your final exam is to go around the room and correctly identify the genus and specie of each bird by careful examination of its legs and feet. You may begin.” John was flustered. He started to look at a few birds but then lost all composure. “This is stupid, and this class is stupid, and you are a stupid teacher!” he yelled. The professor looked at him in amazement. “Young man, that behavior is competely unacceptable, and for that outbreak you will fail this class. Please give me your name.” John really flipped out now. “Give me your name? Give me your name? I’ve been in your class all semester and you don’t even know who I am? You want my name?” John then reached down and pulled up his pant leg and took off his shoe and sock. “If you want to know my name you look at my leg and tell me my name!!”
12/9 Everyone in the local joke teller’s union had gathered for their annual meeting. Due to the number of tellers and the length of some of the jokes, it was agreed that an encyclopedia of jokes would be published and then memorized, and all that would be necessary would be the identification of the number of the joke. The first distinguished jokester stood up and said, “121” and the audience broke out in uproarious laughter. The next teller stood up and said, “98” and once again the audience broke out in peals of laughter. This went on for some time until a rather nervous newcomer stood up and said, “200.” Nothing happened. He gently tapped the microphone, cleared his throat and tried again, “84.” Still, absolutely nothing. Dejected, the newbie stepped down from the podium and was greeted by one of the old masters. “Don’t worry, son,” the old man said, “Some people just do not know how to tell a joke.”
12/2 You just cannot please some people. As a particularly heavy storm rolled through the area a man was warned to leave his house. “No,” he said, “God will protect me.” A heavy downpour started, and a firetruck drove past and the firemen saw the man sitting on the porch. They begged him to leave. “No,” said the man, “God will protect me.” Later, as the flood waters rose, a boat was dispatched to pick up the man, now seen sitting on the top of his porch cover. “No,” said the man, “God will protect me.” Finally, as the man was perched on the top of his roof, a helicopter came swooping down to rescue him. “No,” said the man, “God will protect me.” Of course, the man drowned. Absolutely furious, he approached the pearly gates. He immediately launched into a tirade about how much he had put his faith in God, only to have God fail him. St. Peter was not amused. “God sent you a firetruck, a row boat and a helicopter – what else would you have him to do?”
How many of us are looking for miracle when the firetruck is already outside our door?
11/25 Patricia Black settled into her comfy new chair. After years of being a teller she looked forward to her new position as a loan originator. Imagine her surprise when her first customer showed up – a great big green frog! “Can I help you?” Ms. Black asked, not sure what she was going to do. “I want a loan,” said the frog. “Well, I’m afraid I can’t give a loan without some form of identification and some collateral” said Ms. Black, thinking that she could get out of her predicament with large amounts of red tape. The frog opened a satchel and pulled out a little statuette, with the inscription, “To my special son, love forever, Mick.” “Well, I’m sorry, but that just will not do,” said Ms. Black, whereupon the frog became very angry and demanded to see her supervisor. The frog and the chief loan officer disappeared behind closed doors, only to reappear a few minutes later. “What seems to be the problem here?” asked the loan officer. “Well, this frog wants a loan, and all he can give me is this little statue, and I don’t even know what it is,” explained Ms. Black.
The loan officer’s response? “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black – give the frog a loan. His Old Man’s a Rolling Stone!”
11/18 The Texas A&M campus was abuzz with the annual Christmas costume party. Hundreds had gathered dressed as King David, Mary, Samson, and all the other usual characters. Laughter and gaiety ruled the evening. Then suddenly everyone got very quiet as three young men wearing fire protection gear, complete with oxygen tanks, masks, and pick-axes entered the room. No one said anything or even moved. “Hey bubba,” whispered one of the men to his friend, “don’t ya’ reckon these folks ever read ’bout them three wise men that just come from a far?”
11/11 Maude and Claude were in the counselor’s office for some much needed marital advice. Claude listened carefully as the counselor explained the importance of active listening – the process that guarantees (or at least helps) a person to understand what their mate is saying. After many examples and much pleading, the counselor asked Claude if he understood the concept and if he was willing to actively listen to Maude. “Fer sure” said Claude, so the counselor told Maude to say whatever came to her mind. “What is my favorite flower?” asked Maude. “Oh, that’s easy,” said Claude with a big smile on his face, “It’s called ‘Pillsbury’ and it comes in a big ol’ 10 pound sack.”
11/4 A group of little boys were having a sleep-over, and as ususal the conversation turned to who had the greatest father. The first little boy said, “My dad is a police officer, and when he holds up his hand he can stop traffic for miles.” All the little boys oooooed with awe. “My dad is a fireman,” said boy #2, “and he drives the biggest truck in the whole city.” All his friends nodded in amazement. Everyone was silent for a moment and then boy #3 spoke up, “Well, my dad is a preacher, and all he has to do is talk for 20 minutes and it takes eight men to haul in all the cash!”
10/28 The Texas Aggie pilots scrunched down in their seats for what they knew was going to be a tough landing. Flaps down, gear down, more flaps, more flaps down. Finally the chirp of the wheels on the asphalt and the sound of the plane coming to a screeching halt. “Whew,” said the captain. “That has got to be the shortest runway I have ever landed on.” “Yeah,” said the first officer, then pointed out the side windows to the runway fading off to the horizon in both directions – “but look at how wide it is!”
10/14 A little boy was walking along a park pathway carrying his Bible. “Praise God, it’s a miracle. God led his people through the Red Sea on dry land! It’s a miracle! Praise God!” A young man was sitting on a bench alongside the pathway. He was an atheist, a recent college graduate, and not about to let this little boy’s spiritual enthusiasm go unchallenged. He called the little fellow over and sat him down. “You see, it was no miracle at all – there was no real sea there, the water was only a couple of inches deep, and the people just walked through the water from one side to the other. There was no miracle, and therefore, there is no God.” Sadly, the little boy walked off.
A few minutes later the little boy came bouncing back down the path, “Praise God! It’s a miracle, Praise God!” The atheist was quite disturbed. “I thought I told you there was no miracle, the water was only a couple of inches deep.” “Yeah, I know” said the little boy, “And God drownded the whole Egyptian army in only 2 inches of water!!”
You see, it’s a miracle any way you read the story.
10/7 Old deacon Smith loved to pray – especially publically. He would heap up words and phrases, especially the ones he thought particularly pious. One phrase he loved especially was, “And Lord, clean out all the little cobwebs of our life.” He meant, of course, all the little things that tend to get us distracted and slow us down, all the little sins we commit, and so forth. This he would pray with great fervence every chance he got.
But to little Johnny the phrase was somehow just a little too pretentious. He did not care too much for spiders, and he especially did not like the idea that spiders lived inside of him. So, he decided he would have to take action.
Sure enough, next Sunday ol’ deacon Smith got up to pray, and pray he did. Regular as rain, he got to the end of his lengthy oration and solemnly intoned, “And Lord, clean out all the little cobwebs of our life.” “DON’T DO IT LORD!” Shouted little Johnny as he leapt to his feet. The congregation was stunned. All over the building people were squinting through one half-opened eye while they kept the other reverently closed. Deacon Smith was speechless. Little Johnny then finished the prayer:
“KILL THE SPIDER!”
How often do we pray for God to clean out our lives, when we are unwilling to kill the spider that makes the mess?
9/23 Today a storal with a morey. Once upon a time, there was a carried mupple that was nortunate efuff to posoos a gess which gaid an olden gegg every dingle way of the seek. This they considered a great loke of struck. But, ginking that the ingides of the soose were gade of mold, the man decided to gill the koose with a whasty nack on the nop of his toggin. Goor pittle loose! Anyway, the man found out that the ingides of the soose were just like the ingides of any other soose, and besides, he no longer had the olden gegg that the griendly fittle loose fever lailed to nay. The storal to the morey? As Shakesed Speared in the Verchant of Menice, “All that golders is not glist.”
9/16 A lot of people think that being a pilot is a glamorous job. Actually, just like Rodney Dangerfield, pilots don’t get no respect. For one, air traffic controllers are always telling pilots what to do. Case in point, one frustrated controller working a very congested sector finally told a stubborn pilot, “Just put your heading indicator on E and fly until you are out of my airspace!” Mechanics, also, think they know more than pilots. One pilot wrote up a report on a mechanical problem – “Engine #2 missing.” The mechanics responded in the “Work Completed” section – “Examined plane carefully. Engine #2 located exactly where it should have been.” And then there are those irritating flight attendants. After a particularly rough landing a flight attendant got on the intercom – “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the rough landing – our captain is a former Navy pilot, and every once in a while he forgets he is not landing on an aircraft carrier.”
9/9 A young lady was having her boyfriend over for supper for the first time. She was extremely nervous about her younger brother and how he would try to disrupt the evening. She threatened him to within an inch of his life if he said anything rude or crude. She especially warned him not to make light of her boyfriends moustache and beard, something for which the boyfried was exceptionally proud. Finally the big night arrived and the little boy made it through supper with narry a word and the time came for dessert. “O apple of my eye, would you like some pie?” asked the girl. “O man of my dream, would you like some cream?” She crooned. The little boy decided he finally had it figured out. This was the way you spoke to boyfriends. He could put his two cents worth in and remain fully within the rules. He cleared his throat, “How ’bout some sugar, ya big hairy bugger?”
9/2 A minister decided to shake things up a little bit one Sunday. He told his congregation he would mention one word, and they would sing a song that presented that message. So he started, “Cross” he said, and the congregation immediately sang, “The Old Rugged Cross.” “Grace,” the minister said, and the congregation joined in singing, “Amazing Grace.” “Power,” shouted the minister, and the congregation responded with, “There is Power in the Blood.” The minister got a little excited and absent mindedly said, “Sex!” The congregation sat stunned and silent, nervously looking at one another, not sure of what to do. Finally, a little old 87 year old widow started to softly sing, “Precious memories, how they linger…”
8/26 This is not so much a joke, but about the value of humor. I spent several winters officiating jr. high and high school basketball games. One of the schools in the area was predominantly Mormon in student population, and several others were largely hispanic. One game I officiated pitted the girls from the Mormon community against a school in a hispanic community. On one team there were 5 little blonde headed, blue eyed girls, on the other there were 5 little dark haired, dark eyed girls. The game was pretty one sided, with the blonde headed girls winning, but the other team played bravely and cleanly – the game was a delight to officiate – but I could sense that the team getting beat was also getting frustrated.
During a break in the game, as my partner was about to give the ball to one of the dark headed girls he leaned over to her and whispered something. I was at the other end of the court so all I could see was her reaction. She burst out laughing, took the ball and passed it to her team mate and the game resumed. Later, I asked my partner what he said that was so funny.
“I told her a blonde joke” he said. “I asked her if she heard about the blonde girl that got pregnant – she couldn’t wait to have the baby so she could find out if it was hers or not.” Now, depending on your view of blonde jokes that might sound kind of tacky – but in that situation at that time the joke had an amazing impact. Some pent up emotion was blown off, a basketball official suddenly became a little more human, and the game of basketball became a game again.
Humor has an amazing healing ability. I think preachers especially need to hear more preacher jokes. Maybe we would stop taking ourselves so seriously – and we might just win a friend or two along the way!
8/19 Tony Romo was leaving the complex after practice one day. Right in front of him was Jerry Jones, standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “This is a critical and highly sensitive document – and my secretary left for the day. Do you know how to make this thing work?” “Sure” said Romo. He turned the machine on, fed the document into the slot and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said Jones. “I just need one copy.”
(Please feel free to insert the names of anyone you would like to honor with this little poke!)
8/12 I’m a slow learner. Our lawn mower broke down and my wife had been begging me for days to get mower fixed and mow the lawn. One day I came home to find her on her hands and knees at the edge of the grass, snipping slowly with a pair of sewing scissors. I pondered for a moment, then went inside the house. I returned with a toothbrush and asked if, when she was through clipping the lawn, could she please sweep the driveway.
I can almost walk again, although the doctor says that I’ll always have a limp.
(with respects to a good friend, Harley Sills)
8/5 The young preacher sat in rapt attention, listening to the old master deliver a spellbinding sermon. At the pinnacle of the lesson the old gentleman said, “I want everyone to know that the happiest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife…and that woman was my mother!” “That’s beautiful!” thought the young preacher, and he began to formulate a plan to repeat that phrase at his earliest opportunity.
Sure enough, a couple of weeks later he found an opening. “I want everyone to know that the happiest years of my life have been spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife.” At that point his wife, who was three months pregnant with their first child, shrieked loud enough to rattle the rafters. That disoriented the preacher, so he backed up and gave it another run. “That’s right – the happiest years of my life have been spent in the arms of another woman!” An elder half-way back in the auditorium and two deacons stood up and started walking toward the pulpit. In full panic now the young minister did the only thing he could do – try again and hope for a better result. “I swear that the happiest years of my life have been spent being held by another woman, but for the life of me I cannot remember who she was!”
7/29 A mechanic owned a very special dog he named Mace. He loved Mace and Mace loved him. Mace had one unique characteristic – he loved to eat grass. Mace was the grass eating champion of the canine world.
One day the mechanic was walking through a field and lost a very expensive wrench. He was not sure exactly where he had lost it, and was afraid that he would never find it again. To his great relief, Mace came along and in eating a swath of grass, was able to find the wrench and return it to his master.
The mechanic was overjoyed! He sang the praises of his dog to anyone and everyone who would listen… (ahem) “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.”
7/22 A farmer had a prized draft horse that was the pride of his life. A problem had developed recently, however, that caused him an endless amount of pain. It seems that a flock of birds had nested in the horse’s mane, and despite every effort there was nothing the farmer could do to get the birds out. The incessant chirping and singing of the birds was driving the poor horse to distraction.
One day, when the farmer was just about at his wit’s end, he shared his pitiful story to a group of friends. One of them, a baker, got up, walked to his shop, picked up a handful of baker’s yeast and sprinkled it in the horse’s mane. Relief! The birds flew away and the horse regained his regal composure.
The farmer was flabbergasted. How could such a trick work? What was the magic?
The old baker quietly replied, “Haven’t you ever read, “Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet?”
Every Friday is joke day, so if you need a little levity, stop by and see what I’ve discovered.